HOLDING HANDS

I love holding hands. It hasn’t always been that way. When I was little, I remember my mom or dad holding my hand when we were out shopping. I think that it really became annoying to me when I reached my preteen and teen years and my mom still reached for my hand as we crossed a street. I remember thinking, “I’m not a baby, I can cross the street by myself. I don’t need to have my mom hold my hand.”

Last week we took mom to church. We got out of car and began to walk toward the church. Mom’s Alzheimer has advanced to the point that she occasionally feels a little unsteady. As we started toward the church, I reached for her hand. I love holding my mom’s hand. I hold her hand not because I have to, but because I can’t imagine not taking advantage of the opportunity to hold on tight to this woman as long as I can.

I was taking a walk tonight with my granddaughter. It was almost dark. We were walking down the road and she ran up beside me. She reached up and slipped her hand in mine. I gently held her hand. She squeezed mine hard. Then she said, “No, Nana. Hold my hand like this.” She squeezed hard again and continued to the keep pressure tight. I tightened my grip and she said, “Yeah, Nana just like that. Hold it tight, just like that, so that I can feel it.”

“Lord, today was a hard day. There are dark scary things, like watching the mom I know and love fade a little more each day. How can I help my dad deal with the emotional loss of his life partner, and the physical and mental exhaustion that Alzheimer’s caregivers face? Can I keep up with the demands of work? Am I showing my husband that he truly is the love of my life? Am I there for, and being a good mom for, my son and daughters, and loving on my grandbabies in a way that will leave a legacy of love? Lord, when I look around, it seems like it’s getting darker. Please hold my hand, hold it tight so that I can feel it. Thank you, Lord.”

EYES
Today I looked into a beautiful pair of brown eyes. They sparkled, they danced, they said "Isn't it a great day? I love you." I picked up my granddaughter, gave her a tight hug, and told her, "I will love you forever." She said, "I love you too- forever, now let's have breakfast."

Today I went with my mom and dad to an adult day-care facility. Mom's Alzheimer is at a point that she is afraid to stay alone, afraid to stay with dad, just plain afraid. When she asks "Where's dad?" I am never sure if she means my dad or her dad? At times she is a young girl looking for her parents. At other times she is looking for her husband, my dad. The hardest part is when he is sitting right next to her. I know if I say he is here she will become angry and frustrated because she thinks its a trick. So I look into the eyes of the woman who is such an incredible mom and I do what she whipped me many times for doing as a small child... I lie. "I don't know where he is?" Or, I mumble something that even I don't understand. Today I prayed that she would like the facility. It would be a place for her to go, visit, sing, and laugh with others. It is also the place that will give my dad a much needed break from the 36-hour day of Alzheimer's care-giving.

Today was picture-day at the facility. They asked me to man the camera and get a group picture before going in for lunch. I was searching the faces in that group. What could I read from them. Were they happy, were they cared for, was this a safe and happy place for mom?

Today I looked into a beautiful pair of brown eyes. They sparkled, they danced, they said "Isn't it a great day? It is good here." I smiled into her eyes, as she pushed her walker my way, she smiled and winked her eye." It said, "It will be okay, she will love you forever." And then we had lunch.

The Bible says the eyes are a window to the soul. I want my eyes to reflect the joy, peace, kindness, and the unconditional love of the Father to anyone who looks my way.

Vacation!

I love vacations. I love the weeks leading up to them, the planning, the packing... Okay not really those parts, but I love dreaming about it with Randy and seeing him take care of the details. I do like packing except for knowing that I will always need something more than what I packed. Randy and I have a goal to see how many days we can travel with packing no more than a back pack each. This time it was seven days. Probably because bathing suits don't take up much room.

Randy and I just got back from Cozumel. We have wanted to go for years. In fact we made plans on our 25th anniversary and just didn't follow through. This year was our 30th anniversary. We made the decision rather on the spur of the moment, so that was fun. I think that is how we work best. Be spontaneous, go for it. This way we don't have time to think of all the extremely "good" reasons why we shouldn't follow through.




We had a wonderful seven days of being awed by the beauty that God has created. We snorkeled in water that looked like it came from a bottle. I know now what it must feel like if you could swim in my brother-in-law Keith's fish tank. (I've never seen a cleaner fish tank, by the way.) I kept thinking, if I could just catch that little fish I could take it back for Keith's tank. Illogical I know, but they were just so beautiful.




This morning I was reading in 1 Corinthians 15 and it was talking about the resurrection. Amazing. I thought of all the diverse things we had seen and experienced(swimming with dolphins!) on vacation and that is such a small speck of life that is in our world today. I can't imagine.

1 Corinthians 15:35-41 from the Message translations reads:

35-38Some skeptic is sure to ask, "Show me how resurrection works. Give me a diagram; draw me a picture. What does this 'resurrection body' look like?" If you look at this question closely, you realize how absurd it is. There are no diagrams for this kind of thing. We do have a parallel experience in gardening. You plant a "dead" seed; soon there is a flourishing plant. There is no visual likeness between seed and plant. You could never guess what a tomato would look like by looking at a tomato seed. What we plant in the soil and what grows out of it don't look anything alike. The dead body that we bury in the ground and the resurrection body that comes from it will be dramatically different.

39-41You will notice that the variety of bodies is stunning. Just as there are different kinds of seeds, there are different kinds of bodies—humans, animals, birds, fish—each unprecedented in its form. You get a hint at the diversity of resurrection glory by looking at the diversity of bodies not only on earth but in the skies—sun, moon, stars—all these varieties of beauty and brightness. And we're only looking at pre-resurrection "seeds"—who can imagine what the resurrection "plants" will be like!

Isn't that glorious! Praise God from whom all blessings flow, now and forever more.

I love English Gardens

I love English gardens. They are a combination of the civilized and the wild. One of my favorite pictures is a family heirloom of an old English garden. I am inspired and challenged by it each year as the weather warms. I have a hillside that is perfect for creating this garden of beauty, except for one problem. That hillside is also perfect for growing briers and rambling vines. For many years, I would get out on the hillside as soon as it was warm enough and begin to cut back the briers and vines and plant flowers, small trees, flowering plants, etc. It was a thing of wild beauty. It wasn’t long into the season however that it became more a wild wicked thing than a thing of beauty. The briers came back and brought some family with them. The vines seemed to delight in wrapping themselves around everything they touched, threatening to choke the life from the young plants. I would look at the tangled mess and give up, determined to do better next season. This pattern repeated itself for years, until finally I just gave up and conceded defeat.
I made a mistake year one, which I continued to make year after year. In my anxiousness to get started and see immediate results, I failed to lay the foundation for my garden. I didn’t put in the preparation necessary to realize the dream of a lasting English garden. Was it because I didn’t know how to prepare the ground? No, I had many people explain the steps to preparing for a successful garden. The problem was with myself. I wanted immediate results. Clipping back the briers and vines to the ground level was the immediate “fix” that made the temporary cosmetic changes I was looking for. I didn’t want to do the work necessary in order to make those cosmetic changes permanent. I didn’t take the time, or maybe I simply refused, to address the “root” problem.
As I think about my English garden dream, I am reminded of how much our life is like that hillside. We have an idea, a picture, of how we want our life and our relationship with the Lord to look. We try to achieve that picture, that relationship, by simply making temporary cosmetic changes that only affect the surface of who we are. The real work required to make the permanent, deep down to the marrow changes is long, difficult, and even painful. That level of difficulty and pain, or simply the fear of experiencing them, keeps us from getting in there and getting our hands dirty with some good old-fashioned hard work. Real changes require digging deep, below the surface, to our attitudes and beliefs that drive our actions. It requires digging up and cutting away the things that hinder the beauty that our Creator and the true Gardener wants to grow in our lives. That digging up and cutting away is almost always painful. It involves getting rid of things that our sinful nature would really like to hold onto. Things like pride, anger, hurt, worry, bitterness, and unforgiveness, just to name a few. Time spent addressing “root” issues is time eternally spent. It’s necessary for our growth. It is a slow and difficult process. It’s doesn’t just happen. We can’t expect to make those kinds of permanent changes with minimal work. It just doesn’t work that way. It doesn’t work that way on my hillside and it certainly doesn’t work that way in our lives. Don’t let the pain and difficulty scare you! The work is always worth that beauty that will come from it!

I was setting in Church yesterday morning next to my mom and I was thinking. I wanted to share this thought with her but since I can't, I will just share it here.
Mom, as I hear you singing here beside me today, I am carried back in time or maybe time just ceases to exist, or maybe this is a glimpse of what eternity is. Eternity, where the Holy Spirit fills up time, space, and memory, where we are transported out of the physical broken bodies and minds of the flesh and into the perfect, complete spiritual, eternal beings that we were created to be. The flesh and mind that has been ravaged by Alzheimer's disease drops away and the Spirit places a song on your lips-Your soul sings out- and it carries me back to younger days sitting beside you worshiping the Father together. Maybe it transports me forward into Heaven where we will gather around the throne worshiping our Savior. Whichever it may be, I am grateful and in awe of the gift of the present to listen to you, unhindered, worshiping Christ in song together. Thank you mom for your unwavering Spirit and testimony even in the midst of your Alzhiemers. Thank you Jesus for the gift of the Comforter who makes all things good...

Just sitting here listening to the rain, waiting on a phone call. Will she call? What will we say when we meet? When I lay down in bed tonight what memories will run through my mind? In anticipation I wait to see the outcome of the call of God. Listening to Him is easy, understanding Him...quite the opposite. The "Why" is uncertain but my obedience is certain. "For Your glory Father. May I live, breathe, and love others for Your glory."

Be still...Breathe in... Do you feel Him? Exhale... Let His Peace rush in and fill up your senses. Hosannah in the Highest. Who is there on earth like our God? It amazes me anew each day that I can cast all my cares on a loving God who loves and knows me so intimately that He is not shocked or angered by the depth of my frustrations and fears. But rather, He is present with words of peace to sooth my soul and refresh my mind and spirit defeating feelings that threaten to dry up my desire to reach out to those around me. I am ready once again to reach out to hurting people and allow the living water of Christ the King to flow through me.

Where do you go for refreshment?